Goddammit, Llyr, do we need to have one of those "sharing" talks? Why the hell didn't you tell us that it was your birthday a couple of days ago? I know things have been nuts around here, but we'd have liked to celebrate your birthday together, you know. Next time, don't shut up about things like this. Alright? And come over here as soon as you get this.

This is Gabe. I'm hijacking Holly's LJ since A and I both can't be bothered to make one separately for me and also because she figures we never use these things anyway, so might as well share.

I swear to god, A, what the fuck? It was bad enough when you were the one who went all fangirl squeeing over fucking Japanese Pop RPS, but you had to get Holly into it, too? Shit, and not only that, the asshole can't fucking stop listening to fucking NewS and fucking KAT-TUN and Jesus, the world is ending because I actually know who they fucking are. Hols, if you don't stop singing Seishun-fucking-Amigo every damn second of every damn day, I will knock out your teeth. Then I'm going to break your laptop and your iPod and your radio. I fucking promise you, man.


Thankfully, Holly's sort of moving away from that stupid JPop shit and moving onto Korean pop because at least those guys can actually sing instead of just look pretty, even if they're pretty too. Look, they can do more than one thing right! They can dance, too. And they have better outfits. DBSK and Rain are way, way, way better than that shit you made me listen to. And no, Holly, that wasn't an invitation for you to make me listen to them again.



Holly here! I decided on different colours to differentiate the two of us. Gabe can be such a pain in the ass sometimes. Anyway, god, they weren't that bad. And you think I didn't notice you practically tenting your pants looking at Nishikido Ryo's hip roll of fucking wet dreams? Let's not mention your veeeeery blatant appreciation of Vanil-


Breaking in to say shut up, Holly. He's lying, swear to god.



Like hell I am. Anyway. The reason why I'm around long enough to piss Gabe off is because we've decided to live together! And on that note, we're inviting everyone to La casa de Gabe and Holly for a housewarming party. Figured we'd give Sama's place a break from having all of us together. So, guys listed here are invited. Those of you who aren't, sorry but our place is reeeeally small compared to Cael and Sama's houses. So you're all definitely invited next time, kay?

1. Cael
2. Fionn
3. Sama
4. Von
5. Brae
6. Xanti
7. Zal and Iz
8. Perv 1 and Perv 2 (aka the horndog twins)
9. Ains
10. Lor
11. Des
12. Rémy (Giulio can't make it :( )
13. Brén
14. Klaes

From V's side:

1. Soma
2. Cao
3. Llyr
4. Cil
5. Cin (and Bale, I guess)
6. Zhen
7. Dragan


Oh, from C's side, if you guys can make it...  I guess all of you. There aren't that many of you, anyway. Bring cookies! And booze! And cake!  And more booze! That goes for everyone, by the way.

(Cael says to invite Taniel and Aloisio but seriously, Cael, who do you think you're fooling?)



I do, however, approve of his suggestion of inviting Alasdair and Meallán.


You have a boyfriend, dorkface.


Like that's ever stopped any of use.


... fair point. Anyway, the above, please let us know if you can make it!  <3

Vienna's gorgeous. I've been so busy taking in the sights and going out that I'm exhausted every night. The art and architecture here is just out of this world and....


Okay, I'd like to say that, I really would. Truth is, until yesterdays, what I've seen of Vienna was sort of when I arrived. It's been a few days and Rémy and Giulio are not letting me out of bed except for eating and toilet breaks. Maybe I should've gone for older men earlier, except for the fact that I am exhausted all the damn time that the eating and toilet breaks are all the activities I can handle right now. Even the sex is nigh impossible, if not for those two being... those two.


The fear's still there. The more I spend time with them, the more I find myself liking them and it disturbs me. Our time not having sex is spent talking about everything and nothing and yes, I do still feel like a kid compared to them at times, but I'm also completely fascinated. The stories that they've told me about the past, about them just makes me liking them even more. They're both sophisticated, charismatic gentlemen, but there's so much more beyond the surface. Rémy's a prankster at heart, quick to tempter but quicker to forgive. He's so smart and when he speaks, I can't help but pay attention. There's something about him that demands it, and I've seen that it's not just my reaction to him, but everyone's as well. And that's not to mention his looks - Rémy stops cars. He's the kind of guy people can't help but stare at, they both are.

When we went out for dinner yesterday, I couldn't help but notice how they turn heads. I swear that people shut up when they went into the restaurant. The staff were tripping over themselves trying to serve them. They know, though. That's what I noticed. Rémy just thinks of the whole thing like it's one big joke, laughing at everyone but Giulio gets embarrassed. If I hadn't spent so much time with them recently, I wouldn't have noticed at all since he hides it so well, but it's true. It's the most adorable thing I've ever seen. Rémy milks the attention for all it's worth, plays up to the crowd and all of that, but Giulio bears it with quiet dignity, but I can tell that it takes a lot for him not to just use his creepy vampy powers and turn into shadow to get away from it all. It was bizarre seeing him so discomfited since he's relaxed with me and Rémy, and in a way, it makes me feel... privileged to know that I'm one of the few people he can relax around.

Giulio's the quiet, stoic, surprisingly shy type. He's old school vampire all the way. I mean, sometimes the three of us just sit by the fire, Rémy teaching me how to cheat at cards while Giulio reads. He even has a gramophone and plays records. He prefers writing letters by hand, though he knows how to use a computer. Rémy plays the piano for us sometimes, and sometimes Giulio would join him with the violin and it's just the most beautiful thing I've ever seen or heard, those two playing together. There's an ease in their actions, like they've done it a million times before in private and the fact that they're letting me hear them, see them... humbles me.

My heart aches now, looking at them. I know it's my body telling me that I'm in the danger zone, but I can't seem to pull myself away. I don't want to pull away anymore. I'm content to be with them, to spend time with them. The only thing that bothers me is that there seems to be a sense of... fantasy about our time together, and an urgency like we all know that time's running out. It kills me, because I know it just means that my staying with them is impermanent, that after awhile it's going to be over and I'll be going back home to my friends and family and my life, and my time with them will just be like a pleasant dream I wish that I never had to wake up from.

I fee their kisses and their touches even when I'm not touching them, now, and I have this sinking feeling that I've been branded by them, that when I leave I'll take the memory of them with me forever, and I'll always think of them, dream of them, and compare everyone thereafter with them... and I know no one else is going to ever compare. I fell for them so hard and so fast that I didn't have the chance to prepare myself, to pull myself back and now it's definitely too late.


It's going to hurt. I know that. But I just want to hold on for as long as I can, right now. Is that too much to ask for?



Anyway, enough of being maudlin. How's everyone?

Okay, so the plan was for me to spend the last three days of my trip in Bangkok just having fun doing whatever, right? Even Ains was having fun since Giulio's cousin tagged along and she and Ains got together, which basically left Brae being a sourpuss all alone. But Brae's like that, though. He's not like Ains and me; we can go out and pick up someone easily and just treat it like good fun but Brae's the serious type. He's had a few relationships but they've all been serious ones. I don't know, part of me respects him for it and admires him but another part of me just can't help wondering what's the point. Every time a relationship ends, Brae's seriously gutted and gets all emo and shit, so why bother working so hard towards something that's going to fail? People who have long lasting relationships are rare - they're the special cases. The rest of us make mistake after mistake until we finally settle for what we can get. Some find happiness in that, and others end up bitter and resentful for the lot that life has thrown them. I haven't figured out what I am, yet. Right now, my only aim is to just go out and have fun, I don't want to think about seriousness and relationships. I mean, the one and only serious relationship I've had was with Andy and... we all know how that turned out. There just seems to be something in me that keeps fucking up. I wanted to do right by Andy, I thought I could take the monogamy, that I'd be able to be with him and only him and I wanted to make him happy because he made me happy but in the end, it just... It wasn't enough. And I don't admit it, but I do hate myself for having done that, and especially for hurting him when he doesn't deserve it, when he's been nothing but sweet and thoughtful and kind, so much so that it makes me feel like a rotten bastard every time I think about it.


I'm of mixed feelings about Andy and Morcant dating, to be honest. Part of me is happy for him, that he's moving on and trying to find happiness. That he's taking it slow and that it seems to be going well and they seem to be good for each other. Another part of me hurts at the thought that Andy's with someone else, that someone else has touched him, that someone else has kissed him and someone else has fucked and been fucked by him. He was mine first, and I was his. I think it would've been easier for me to accept it if he'd gone back to girls, but he hasn't. He's gone to Morcant and every time I think about that I ache. It isn't fair of me because hey, I haven't exactly been the picture of repenting celibacy or anything, but... Andy was special. I spent so long chasing after him, so long trying to convince him to be with me and when he did, I was so happy and at the same time I hate myself because I know that it was my fault that we're over.

Another issue is... I don't know. I get... flashes from A, from the rest. I mean, A and I are of the same mind, from what we've observed of Andy and Morcant. They get along well, they've become good friends. They are attracted to each other, but... they don't click. Not the way Cael and Soma did, not the way Cil and the twins did. Not the way Cao and Lor did and not the way Sama and Zhen did. And hey, maybe it's jealousy bias on my part, but A agrees. I've talked to Cael and Des as well and they've shared the same worries with me. I don't want anyone to say anything to Andy, though. He has to work that out on his own. If we say something, he'll just get angry and go for it in spite and it'll hurt more in the end when he realizes that it's not going to work out. I don't want to sound arrogant or anything, but... part of the reason why he's doing it is because of me, because he wants to get back at me. I know that. Hell, a lot of people know that. It's not the only reason, of course, but it's part of the reason. He wants to show us, show me, that he can move on, that there's someone else who likes him. It's... rebound. And god, it's working though. It's working only too well.


I don't know why but I talked about it to Giulio and Rémy. Maybe I was in shock when Cael told me that Andy and Morcant had had sex in the last party. I guess I broke down and they told me that I shouldn't go back just yet, that it's too early. That if I go back, I'll confront Andy and fuck things up even more. And god, it hurts that they're right, and that I'm actually going to go with them to Vienna because of this, because I can't get over my ex-boyfriend, even when I know we can't get back together. And it hurts me that I notice the sincerity in their invitation only when they're comforting me about said ex-boyfriend. They haven't really touched me since then, not like how they used to. Not that they don't touch me, but we haven't had sex. They've kissed me and held me, but... I guess they know that if I have sex with them now, I'll be thinking of Andy. That I'll be remembering Andy and at the same time that I'm getting back at Andy for sleeping with Morcant.


Fuck, this is really all just screwed up. I'm leaving for Vienna tomorrow morning, and I don't know how long I'll be staying there. Ains and Brae left last night.


Hope everyone's doing fine.

I'm in Bangkok at the moment with Ains and Brae (and the name of this place never fails to make me snicker. I mean, seriously, Bang-cock? Come on people, laugh with me). We've been here three days and we'll be here another three before we fly back, which is sadness all around. Well, I might stay on, but I'll get to that later. No doubt, some of you already know.

Anyway, Bali was fabulous. I got a tan, surprise surprise, and I met some really nice people. Gabe, I can hear you chuckling, shut up. I tried my hand at surfing, which was pretty awesome. I didn't do too well though, but Adam said that I had good form and that if I practiced, I'd be pretty good which was, you know, fantastic to hear. I might just do that, though. There's something about surfing. Alas, no beach anywhere near where I live so that's quite a far-fetched dream. And just who is Adam, you ask? Well, Adam is one of the guys I met in Bali. The other two worth mentioning are Danny and Will. Will's from England and a total hottie with that to-die-for British accent. He's in Oxford University, which means he's got brains. He's stayed in the top resort, which means he's got money and class. Adam and Danny are friends, and they're from California. I didn't really ask exactly where, though. But they're friends on holiday together. I thought it was a bit suspicious at first, two guys on holiday together but they were also with a group of people from their college. Danny's gay, but Adam wasn't, so it was sort of fun tempting him to the dark side. :P Danny, I'm sure, appreciated my efforts. The two seemed reeeeeeally cosy when I left, so there might be something brewing there. We exchanged phone numbers and emails, and I'm basically welcome to stay with them whenever I'm in the area, so that's pretty damn awesome. Same with Will, though personally I don't think that's going to happen. Knowing his type, he's probably repressed gay. He's going to go back, finish his degree, and marry some nice girl while he takes over his dad's company or something.

Anyway, did a lot of tanning and swimming in Bali, got some nice souvenirs for people (yes, Gabe, I got you presents) and some stuff I need to give to Cael as well. Oh yeah, I found you the Kama Sutra, so I'll be mailing that too. I'm sure Soma will appreciate the gesture. XD

I let my hair go blond for the trip. Dying it was starting to feel like way too much work, but the upside is that now my hair's got white blond highlights from the sun! Which looks pretty awesome, and the whole salt water thing has made it go wavy/curly which, I'm sure, is part of the reason why it's so damn easy to get guys this holiday. Seriously, it's like they fall in my lap (although in Adam's case, that was literally true. He was trying to catch a frisbee Danny threw him and ended up tripping over me).


Now back to Bangkok. The flight was okay, and the food wasn't too bad and we're staying in the Grand Hyatt Erawan, which is just the most fabulous hotel ever, and so close to all the big malls. We went trawling around Sukhumvit to the bars and pubs, and seriously, the gay boys here are pretty. A very large tendency to cross dress, though. Apparently it's become sort of fashionable to be in gay in high school here, nowadays. BUT I did meet these two really hot guys. Giulio's a vampire, and he's originally from Rome though he now lives in Milan. Well, when he's in Italy. He's got apartments and houses in London, Paris, Singapore, Zürich, Vienna, Berlin and a bunch of other places. His lover, Rémy, is an Incubus from Paris! Apparently he knows Gabe's father and everything, which was a bit wiggy considering, you know, me and sex and I don't think of Mr. L like that, no way. You know, despite the fact that he's super hot for a friend's dad. No, I'm not about to go all Mrs. Robinson on all of you. I'm definitely not going to go all Stacey's Mom, either. Gabe, joke to your dad about it, and I'll crush your damn balls.

Anyway, I've been hanging around with Rémy and Giulio for the past three days. We met in the hotel lobby, actually. Gabe will know this, but my target range is from about 20 to 30 max. And sure, I dated a werewolf, but aside from Andy, I'd never gone after übers before, but both Giulio and Rémy give off that whole "why yes, we have supernatural powers, now go away before we eat you" air, and I usually stay away from those. And two, they're way older. I mean, yeah, Giulio doesn't look a day over twenty five/twenty-eight, and Rémy doesn't look older than being in his early thirties at the latest, but he's already eighty and Giulio is three centuries old. So compared to them, I'm a total kid which is what has me... I guess I'm a bit insecure, about why they picked me. I mean, even the way we met is so cringe-worthy. I was joking around with Ains and was walking backwards, pulling faces at him when I walked into Rémy, and he caught me. Not the best first impression ever. Yeah, it works well in movies but in real life? Geez. And they caught me being all stupid and immature with Ains so I'm... I don't know where this is going.

They indulge me, so much. The sex is fantastic but the fact is, when sex isn't involved, they treat me like a kid. They spoil me and pamper me which is nice for awhile but for some reason I'm sick of it. I don't want to be spoiled or pampered, I want them to... I want them to see me as an equal. I want them to rely on me as much as they rely on each other and I know it's stupid to want them especially since they've known each other for twenty years and they've only known me for three days, but it still... it hurts, not being trusted. I just really have no idea what they're doing with me because face it, they're both fabulously wealthy and fabulously good looking, they're suave and classy and elegant and charismatic and they've got every damn man and woman turning their heads to give them a second, a third and a fourth glance so why me? I just feel like a novelty item or something and for some reason, I don't want that.

They're going to Giulio's house in Vienna after this, and they want me to come along. I want to go, I don't want to just... spend the next three days with them and for it to end with just a "see ya, great having sex with ya" like it did with Adam, Danny and Will. I want to stay with them, and that scares me so much. I have college, and my friends and family waiting for me and for some reason I'm just so damn willing to drop all of that to go with them. I'd say it's Rémy's incubus magic or I'm under Giulio's thrall, but I'm a Mage level magic user. I don't thrall easy, and being around Gabe's father all the time growing up made me immune to incubi and succubi. I don't know what to blame all of this on and I'm desperate to find fault in someone because if it's not anyone's fault, then that means that I'm serious and I... I don't know what I'll do if I'm serious.

I'm not going to think about it. This is my vacation and I'm not going to ruin it by being stupid. I'll just see where this thing is going to take me, one day at a time. For all I know, I'll get over it in a couple of days or something, and I'll just... I'll leave Bangkok with a grin and some amazing memories.

Man, I thought I was meant to be the diva, but there's been all sorts of drama in A's head it's not even funny. Thankfully that drama is dying down but with A and V, the next bit of drama's probably right around the corner or something. In other news, A baked cookies today. They were oatmeal and chocolate chunk cookies and they were really yummy. Mmm... cookies...

Speaking of yummy, I saw the most divine boy yesterday. He's so totally hot. Tall, but not insane tall like Gabe, more like 6'0"? He had the hair as pretty as Bael, Roth and Sama's. It went halfway down his back and he had it tied in a braid and it was this gorgeous colour that reminds me of the sea. Even though he had pretty hair, he wasn't the least bit feminine. That body was completely to die for. I was going for a walk in the park (Gabe: read, trolling for guys) when he jogged past. I think someone up there loves me or something because he stopped near where I was sitting and took his shirt off. Sweat is so underrated. So are tiny jogging shorts. And oh, even his leg hair was green. I wonder if his pubes are the same colour as well? I didn't manage to talk to him, but I'm going back to the park around the same time tomorrow. Hopefully I'll see him again.

Andy's business venture is really kicking up. He and his friends have started getting more projects coming in, so he's been too busy to really see me, more's the pity. I miss the sex. The sex was really, really good. But I went to the restaurant with Gabe a few days back and got to talking with Des! It's been awhile since I last talked to him, since he got into college, so it was nice to catch up. He wasn't working, though, he'd brought his roomie with him, and introduced us. Day's a vampire, but he's such a cute kid. They're so completely perfect for each other - and completely oblivious about it. Oh well, one day they'll realise and when they do, I'm going to laugh so hard. But Day's really very sweet, and he gives off this impression of being quiet and a bit shy, but you should see him and Des get on. They're constantly sniping at each other that it's incredibly funny. But Des seems to be enjoying himself. It's weird to think that Des is in college now, I mean Gabe and I met him... what, three years ago when he was still a sophomore? He was this incredibly beautiful and cocky kid that obviously I just had to adore him. Complete womanizer as well, though, and apparently that hasn't changed. You know, except apparently instead of just keeping his interests to women the fact that Andy and I slept together awakened his interest to men as well. Des says he's bi, though.

Alex, Stantin and Zee weren't there, but Rio and Tiz were. Zee's off in Paris right now doing arty things as usual, but Des says he's coming back next month for a show. It seems Paris was good for him after all. I miss seeing his work, Zee's got this amazing talent. One day, I won't be able to afford any of his pieces, but when I told Des that he just laughed and said that Zee'll probably give me one for free if I asked him. I mean, I realize that he's a nice guy and all but seriously? I don't think he will, though.

(edit by Gabe: Of course he will, you idiot. Remember that embarrassingly huge crush he had on you? Duh.)

Classes are starting to become a pain. Except Art History. I might decide to major in that, but I have a paper due in in two weeks and I still haven't decided what to write about. Maybe I can do a comparison essay about religious painting from the Gothic era and the early Florentine Renaissance, using someone like Fra Angelico or Gentile de Fabbriano and Masaccio, Paolo Uccello or Piero della Francesca. Or maybe I could do a comparison piece about the difference in styles of family members? Like compare Andrea Pisano and Nino Pisano, or Nicola Pisano and Giovanni Pisano. Ah, I'll think about it. I'll probably end up writing about the different representations of The Death of Marat. It's a good think Professor Bergman's so hot. But dammit, that means I have to write a great paper to impress him. Shit.

Oh yes, after so long, my plans for world domination is coming a step closer! A has been conned persuaded to let me have an LJ and now some very close, dear friends (read: batshit insane) of mine are also in possession of an LJ. Now, the next step: get Gabe an LJ account, and then we shall be unstoppable. Mwahahahahahahah. *rubs hands gleefully*